You may have heard or spoken the familiar phrases, “good vibes only,” “just stay positive,” and “happiness is a choice.” We know positivity benefits mental and physical health, so why not encourage it? How can there be a downside to promoting optimism? The downside is that phrases like these can come at the expense of validating a person’s true emotions, suggesting that it is their fault for not choosing to be happy. Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how difficult a situation is. It does more than stress optimism; it denies a person any emotions that are not strictly happy or hopeful. Whether self-inflicted or from friends and family, toxic positivity is toxic because it can elicit shame in individuals who are struggling. They may feel that their true feelings are unacceptable and that they should have found a way to push through and be happy. It denies the person in pain the insight that comes from facing painful feelings. It can also deny friends and family the opportunity to experience true connection through supporting a loved one in their suffering.

Pain and sorrow are an inevitable part of the human experience. Everyone, at some point in their life, will have their heart broken, lose a loved one, or feel disappointed, and it is normal to feel sad, angry, hurt, confused, and more. While difficult emotions may be, well… difficult, healing requires feeling the full spectrum of emotions openly and honestly. Denying these emotions can prevent the processing of trauma and hinder emotional growth. Plus, research shows that when feelings are ignored, they tend to get stronger (see Ali Wong’s character in Netflix’s, Beef for an example). Advocating for the acknowledgment and processing of pain is not about denying joy. It is about allowing one to face their emotions with compassion so they can learn to move forward with acceptance and insight.

Signs you have experienced toxic positivity:

Feeling unable to share your true emotions with others.
Hiding how you really feel to avoid judgment or shame.
Feeling ashamed for experiencing negative emotions.
Comparing your struggles to others who seem to have it worse.

Ways to respond:

Acknowledge your emotions by talking with a therapist.
Write your feelings down in a journal.
Try to accept your feelings without judging yourself for having them; remind yourself that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, etc.
Give yourself time to rest and prioritize self-care.
Take a break from social media and other sources of pressure to be positive.
Communicate with friends and family about your need to process your emotions and set boundaries around toxic positivity.
Aim for a balance between gratitude and being honest about difficult emotions. Allow yourself to experience both.
Remember that processing tough emotions builds resilience, just as optimism does in difficult times.

Suggestions for more supportive responses:

“It’s okay to not be okay. How can I help?”
“This is hard. I’m here for you.”
“I can imagine this is difficult for you. We can find a way to get through this together.”
“This is painful, and that’s okay.”
Simply hold space. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is to be a non-judgmental presence, offering support and comfort without trying to fix the problem.

If you are struggling and need a safe, supportive space to experience all of your emotions, our team can help. We welcome all vibes, not just good ones.

Toxic Positivity: The Downside to "Good Vibes Only"