by Katelyn Mase

Complete this sentence: “If I can’t do ____ on my own then I (am) ____”.

Life can be hard. Asking for help can be hard. In our society, asking for help is often associated with weakness or failure which in turn can feel, or actually be, unsafe – a bit unfair if you ask me. Think for a second about where we came from. Before we clocked in and received paychecks, we survived as a group. We hunted and gathered together, we shared our resources, time and love. Somehow (for reasons outside of the scope of this blog), we moved not only away from really supporting one another, but toward the idea that wanting or needing support was problematic or even shameful. The reality is that our resources (physical, mental, emotional, economic) ebb and flow. There are periods where we need help and periods where we can give it. The frequency and duration of these periods is different for everyone because we all have different needs and circumstances, but the reality is that at one time or another, we all need help and that is okay. 

I’ve mentioned gatekeeping before, and I’m mentioning it again; I hear a lot of people dismissing their circumstances because “they aren’t as bad as someone else’s”. Again, not super fair. Yes, there may be (and likely are) people that have it “harder than you” and no, that doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of help and support. It is a beautiful thing to honor other people’s hardships and to want to make space for them – that demonstrates empathy and compassion. However, we all deserve to be seen and validated. If we look through a lens of scarcity, a thought or belief that a resource is limited or comes from limited places, it is easy to dismiss the challenges we face as not deserving of support; that doctors, therapists and even friends with a listening ear should be reserved for those with more going on. If we can shift to a lens of abundance, a thought or belief that there can be enough of a resource for everyone, it becomes clear that in receiving support, we are able to give more of it ourselves, effectively quashing the harmful belief that anyone is undeserving of help. 

I had a supervisor who once told me, “Just because you can do it yourself, doesn’t mean you should” (thanks Teresa!). Another common belief amongst asking for help is that something needs to be an emergency or crisis before asking for help is warranted. A helpful metaphor for this is carrying in the groceries: we all know the challenge of bringing in the groceries in one trip. If you went grocery shopping with a friend, family member, or partner, assuming the other person is able-bodied in a way that allows for the carrying of groceries, would you insist on carrying every bag yourself in one trip? No? Why not? Perhaps you could, but then you run the risk of a bag ripping, dropping, or crushing something, or even pulling a muscle.  If you ask for help, the chances of all your groceries (and you) arriving from A to B unharmed are much better. Asking for help in other parts of our lives is a lot like this. Sometimes we are perfectly capable of handling a situation or reality on our own, but in doing so, we are zapping our other resources, risking crushing the proverbial bread or breaking the proverbial eggs. We all deserve to live a happy and full life, where our resources are plentiful. if you don’t have to drain your resources, don’t! 

Take a penny, leave a penny. Of course, there are those who don’t have access to resources or support. This is often where the “someone else has it harder than me” narrative comes into play; we forgo asking for help to reserve helpers for others. As mentioned before, our need for help and support ebbs and flows. Get help when you need it and when you are resourced enough to help someone else, do. Getting the help you need, when you need it, creates another person capable of helping someone else. Of course, we can’t support each other all on our own and sometimes a problem or circumstance requires a professional. It is important to remember that there are mental health professionals who would be honored to help; giving a listening ear, offering new perspectives, and connecting people to the appropriate resources when conversation just doesn’t cut it. If you or someone you know could benefit from help and support, reach out. We offer sliding scale services to those who qualify. Here, asking for help is encouraged and respected. You don’t have to navigate challenges on your own.