by Hannah Fligel

For many of us, we have just come through a season packed with holidays and family gatherings. We are told that these times should be filled with joy, gratitude, and deep connection with the ones important to us. However, for some of us, time with family and friends may not be restful and restorative. In fact, now you might be sitting with the post-holiday blues and realizing that maybe you do not want some relationships to come with you into the new year.  

People around you might believe that you must have relationships with certain people just because you are family, or because you have shared a long history together, but that is not inherently the case. Sometimes boundaries are hard. Sometimes boundaries are painful. But that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have them. Deep within us, we know which relationships in our lives are serving us and which ones aren’t anymore. It’s important to think about how you feel when we leave an interaction with someone. You know what feels good and restorative and what feels painful and draining. You decide who gets to have time and connection with you and you deserve to feel good after you interact with the people in your life. 

You may ask yourself, “if I need this boundary, why does it hurt so much?” We can acknowledge that certain boundaries with the people we love are the best and healthiest choice for us, and also feel sad that it has to be that way. It is sad to realize that people we love are not always good people for us to be around. It is sad to admit that despite our best intentions and what we hope might happen, sometimes the other people in our lives might not be able to interact with us in the ways we need. It is understandable that you may experience painful feelings of grief as you move into a new normal and let go of expectations you may have held for a long time. Be kind to yourself and remember that you can decide if and when you change your boundaries. What is necessary for you right now in this place in your life might change as you change, and that is okay.