by Heather Canonico

At one point or another, we are all going to lose a loved one, whether it be a parent, partner, or friend. Loss is hard, and the subsequent grieving process can be confusing and overwhelming. 

The months that follow a significant loss can be especially difficult; we are quite literally learning how to live a life without this person. But what happens when the 1-year mark and then the 2 year-mark passes, and we are still experiencing feelings of deep sadness or loss? We may question ourselves: “Is it ‘normal’ to still be feeling this way?” or, “Shouldn’t I be done grieving by now?” On top of this, as time passes, the check-ins wane, your loved one’s name is spoken less and less, and scariest of all, memories may begin to fade.

It is common to experience the impact of a loss even years after it happened. Depending on the nature of the loss, that deep heartache may never completely go away. Sure, we may have adapted to life without this person or accepted that they are no longer here, but we are not immune to the feelings associated with loss, such as sadness, longing, and anger. These types of feelings may be especially prevalent during significant milestones or holidays, but they can be just as frequent in everyday life, like when their favorite song plays on Spotify or you catch a whiff of the lotion they often used. Grief can show itself when you least expect it. 

When these feelings come up, here are some ideas to help you through:

Be gentle with yourself—Loss is life changing and grieving is not linear. Be kind to yourself when these feelings come up. 

Try to not compare your grieving process—While it can be super healing to talk with someone who has experienced a similar loss, it can lead to comparison. This may elicit feelings of guilt and lead you to feel that you are “doing it wrong.” Keep in mind that grieving is a very personal experience that looks different for everyone. 

Honor your loved one—There are a lot of ways to keep the memory of a loved one alive. Whether you choose to support their favorite charity, create a garden in their honor, or have a movie marathon of all their favorites, the options are endless. Whatever you choose, ensure it feels right for you.

Check in with your personal grief process—Where are you now compared to immediately after the loss? Six months after the loss? A year after the loss? This can help you to gain insight and perspective. If your grief is still as unbearable as it was immediately after the loss, it may be necessary to reach out for professional support. 

Long-term grief can be a very lonely experience, but you don’t have to go through it alone. At NCTP, there are trained professionals who can help you process and make sense of your grief. It’s never too late to reach out for support.